Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers
Joined to a Healing God
|
Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers
Joined to a Healing God |
The great Love of GodLearning to experience His love and
to live as children of a loving heavenly Father
is often not an 'easy job'!
|
2008-02-05
"Hey, uncle André! Hey, uncle André!"
The lovely five-year-old girl is jumping up and down in the doorway as I
get out of my car. "There's something I want to show you!"
She almost pushes her little brother away, but he, too, wants to greet me
in his own enthousiastic way: "Uh'e Ahté! Uh'e Ahté!"
As soon as I have entered the house of my dear friends with those two
lovely kids, I am literally taken by one of those little hands - and onto
the living room.
I must see it - and see it now!
What I see in the meantime are two lovely little kids.
And I see a big smile on the father's and mother's faces, as they watch
the enthousiasm sparkling and bubbling from the children's bodies and
re-creating the whole house into a place of cheerful adventure and shared
joy.
And of course, I smile too - but then: who couldn't, with such a delightful
welcome? Gladly, I follow into the living room.
The troubles I had on my way driving there are instantly forgotten as I am
drawn into that cheerful adventure.
A little later - as we are gathered around the dinner table - one of
the precious little ones is not quite satisfied with what's on his plate.
All the enthousiasm that was there a little while ago is now gone.
Gently and still with a smile, the father and mother help the little one
with what is bothering him.
I see clearly their love and care aren't affected by his behaviour.
The first paragraph above ended with the words 'cheerful adventure'.
In the second paragraph, we saw that it can have less than 'cheerful'
episodes.
The children I described can sometimes object to things that are
meant for their wellbeing.
Specially when tired, they can struggle against what is given out of love.
But can they - perhaps by the worst of their behaviours - lose the love of
their father and mother?
Later that evening I decide to ask the mother: "don't you ever get
tired of them?"
She nods with a smile. Even before she can speak, I see her body answer:
"Yes and no - but especially: no, never!."
She says: "I love them - they are my lovely kids, you know!"
And, after a pause, she continues: "Okay, sometimes it can get hard
when I am exhausted and one of them starts nagging in a nasty way,..."
My heart is somehow sensing a deep joy as I watch the warm glow in her eyes
when she continues:
"But - deep down in my heart they remain my beloved kids, so even
then...
Well, I may react a little harshly or whatever, but I hope I will never
hurt them...
I mean: deep down in their soul. Because: well... I just love them so
dearly! That's it. Nothing can ever change that. They are my children!"
That episode there in that family brought me back to what Jesus said
(Matthew 7:11):
"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your
children, how much more will your Father Who is in heaven give good
things to those who ask Him!"
(cf. also Luke 11:13 and
Matthew 6:25-26)
Or, as David knew deep down in His heart (Psalm 27:10):
"(Even) when my father and my mother forsake me, then the
LORD will take me up."
Whatever our earthly fathers (and mothers) have done, whatever ways they have treated us in their own brokenness or sin, we may know that there is a Father in heaven Who is Love. He only wants what really is best for us - our dignity (see the article on that), our wellbeing, shalom, hope for a good future (Jer.29:11), et cetera. Maybe our earthly fathers have not kept their promises. Maybe we got disappointed through that and gave up hope. Then, it is good to know that He is a God Who doesn't lie (Numbers 23:19).
He gave His Son for us. Jesus freely gave His life on the cross (see my article about that) - just to restore us. In His death, He carried the penalty for our sins, such that we could be accepted without any 'but...'.
Once we say 'yes' to His offer of grace and love, we become His children.
Gods Love and acceptance are so great - nothing can ever come in between
anymore.
The security we find in God is why the apostle Paul, in Rom.8:1,31-39, can say something like:
'who will judge us, when God has accepted us, who will belittle us,
when God has lifted us up, who will call us unlovable when nothing
can separate us from God's love, burning in His heart for us?'
Some of the people who came to see me for pastoral help have sighed to me
(explicitly or implicitly): "I do want to accept it, but it's so hard
to believe or experience, after all I have experienced as a child!"
And they are right. If all you experienced as a child was that your trust
was regularly betrayed, your boundaries were often violated, et cetera,
then to start trusting even a little is a great step.
Yet, I say that knowing even a little about God and His Love (from His
Word, from other witnesses or from one's own experience) - even when it is
only in our head -, and accepting it and taking the decision to trust God
on His word, can be important first steps.
God knows what we have been through.
He knows how difficult it can be to trust 'against all odds'.
How hard it is to experience healthy connection when there was so much
separation and neglect, or when 'connection' held such terrible connotations
of being used - emotionally, physically, sexually or in whatever way.
Step by step He will lead and guide us, showing us more and more of
Himself and His wonderful love.
Another important step is to seek people in whom you see something of
His tenderness - even if you find it hard to trust in the beginning.
Seek the fellowship of people who do not criticize you; people who show
respect for who you are, and who care about you - not in a pampering way
that -in fact- leaves you in the cold, but in a way that lifts you up
and that wants the best in you to come forward.
As christian workers, we can help people who struggle with so many bad
experiences, so many 'contaminated' words. We can show true empathy,
show patience, and be the first trustworthy-and-yet-also-imperfect person
they know. We can, by letting Jesus love them through us.
By being humble. By showing respect. By asking and trying to understand what
the words we would want to use mean to them.
Téo van der Weele speaks of 'getting to know their specific
culture' - thereby comparing our conversations with wounded people to
conversations with people from a different culture.
Let me give an example to illustrate what this means. In Missions, being sensitive to the other's culture is regarded as important. The story goes that there was a tribe who despised anybody who showed any weakness. They couldn't understand the Gospel about a Man who died on a cross. The missionary working under this tribe had to dig deeper into the myths that surrounded their belief systems. Finally, he discovered that they had a story of a man who did something very good for another tribe. By comparing Jesus to that 'hero', he finally got through to their heart. Similarly, we may have to listen and dig deeper into the stories of the survivor-counselee to be able to communicate God's love.
This is why I find it so important to learn to listen carefully. As Isaiah said (Is.50:4-5): "He taught me to speak as a pupil" - not as one 'who knows it all', but as one who asks questions, who listens and wants to learn more.
Do we - as counselors, pastors, church workers and so forth - do we take
it for granted that anybody will have nice and wonderful connotations to
the christian words: 'living as beloved children of a loving heavenly
Father'? (Or any other 'fine, christian words' for that matter?)
Or do we seek out to understand the culture of the other person -
shaped by his or her experiences, and try to do as Jesus did: come into
the mess of the people He came to help and help them where they (we) are?
If you are a counselor, pastor, or otherwise engaged in helping people
or teaching them, I urge you to listen to your counselees and find out what
each of those words you would like to communicate mean to them - in their
experience so far.
And to find out what stories they have that can be helpful in understanding
more of Who God is.
Otherwise our words can become cheap; easy to say but hard to take to heart.
Wounded people need understanding.
In fact, we all need to be heard - really listened to.
We also need others to show us the humility and tenderness of Jesus and
of our heavenly Father.
That's why fellowship within the Church (in its broadest sense) is so
important.
Perhaps you say: I am not a pastor, I have no idea about pastoral work.
Then my question to you is: learn to be just a brother or sister.
To be 'on the way' together - in humility and realness.
Look to people who taught you what 'pure love' means.
And above all: let God love you.
Sooner or later His love will show, it will shine through the cracks of
our brokenness and warm the hearts of others.
Shared joy will chase away the coldness and anxieties of old pain.
May the peace and humility of Christ be
with you!
May He be your joy, more and more!
The following is a selection of books related to the theme of learning to live as children of a loving heavenly Father, or helping each other experience His great love.
Larry Crabb, Finding God, Zondervan, 1993.
Larry Crabb, Connecting - Healing for ourselves and our relationships; a radical vision, Word Publishing, Nashville Tennessee USA, 1997.
Larry Crabb & Dan Allender, Encouragement, the key to caring, Zondervan Grand Rapids MI USA, 1984 (Dutch translation by Evert W. van der Poll: Bemoedigen doet goed - De pastorale opdracht van de gemeente, Navigatorboeken, Driebergen NL, 1995; ISBN: 9070656655).
Joyce Huggett, Listening to Others - hearing their voice, Hodder & Stoughton, London, 1988; ISBN 0-340-64171-1
Carole Mayhall, Help Lord - my whole life hurts, Navpress, USA / New Malden Surrey GB, 1988 / 1989.
Wayne Muller, Legacy of the heart - The spiritual advantages of a painful childhood, Simon & Schuster, New York USA etc., 1992.
Henri J.M. Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus - reflections on Christian leadership, Crossroad, New York USA, 198x; (Dutch translation by Margreet Stelling: In de naam van Jezus - Over pastoraat in de toekomst, Oase - Lannoo, Tielt B, 1989.)
M. Scott Peck, The road less travelled - The new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth, Arrow books ltd, Random House, London GB, 1978.
Lewis B. Smedes, Shame and Grace - healing the shame we don't deserve, HarperSanFrancisco, Zondervan / HarperCollins, USA, 1993.
Anna A.A. Terruwe, Give Me Your Hand - About Affirmation, Key to Human Happiness, Croydon, Victoria, Spectrum Publications, 1973 (translation, by Martin Van Buuren, of: Geef mij je hand - over bevestiging, sleutel van menselijk geluk, in Dutch, De Tijdstroom, Lochem NL, 1972).
Teo van der Weele, From Shame to Peace - Counselling and caring for the
sexually abused, Monarch, Crowborough GB, 1995 (in 2002 re-issued
by Importantia, Dordrecht NL).
Translations available in Finnish, German and Dutch.
To get a good impression of what this book is all about, read The memory problem and Walking in the Shadows, the first two chapters
- both at the site of Importantia, the publisher.
 2008-02-05 |
Sandra Wilson, Into Abba's Arms - Finding the acceptance you've always wanted, Tyndale, Wheaton, Ill, 1998; ISBN 0-8423-2473-9.
| home |  | or back to the article index |
For more information, or your reaction to the above, you can contact me via e-mail: andre.roosma@12accede.nl.
André H. Roosma