Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers Joined to a Healing God

2023-02-09

In pastoral care I often encounter people who have become aware of some kind of trauma or trouble they experienced in their life. In many cases, this trouble started early and took away a lot of joy, excitement and energy from their lives. Often, these experiences still continue to have a depressing effect. I know this also from my own first-hand experience. Trauma and all sorts of trouble - or re-emerging memories about it - can easily rob us of our enthousiasm and energy.
As pastoral workers we easily fall into the trap of focussing all attention on 'solving the problems' - helping the person recover from those troublesome memories. I say: '... easily fall into the trap...', and in this article I will show why in many cases I have come to see this as a a kind of trap.

Stolen joy, robbed energy...

When God created this earth and all that lives on it, He intended us to live in community with Him. In that community or fellowship with Him there is wholeness and belonging and security. (In other articles¹ I elaborate on that further.) As a consequence, there was joy and creativity - think of how God involved Adam in His creative work, in Genesis 2, by allowing Adam to give names to all the animals.

All that changed when Eve and Adam gave in to deceptive and negative stories about God, that the devil whispered to them via the serpent (that still had legs like a dragon in that moment). Distrust ruined the familiarity and joy they had known in community with God. Shame entered the scene² - not only did Adam and Eve physically hide from God and each other, they also distanced themselves from each other and from nature, as Adam started to blame Eve and Eve the snake. Life in paradise was over, forever...
Although... forever? No, God put a spoke in that devil's wheel! Already in Genesis 3 we see that God yet takes the initiative to search for them, He starts the communication again. And He foretells that later He will change everything in Jesus, re-creating all according to His wonderful plan. Then also He will restore and re-establish the intimate community - the attachment between God and us, mutually between us as well as within ourselves, and with all of nature around us.

Meanwhile (in the mean time), we may face quite some troubles, also in our own lives. Nasty experiences with other people, incomprehension about God's involvement in situations (or His seeming distance) - all kind of factors may have robbed us of a large part of our life's joy and energy.
Is there any hope in that situation, here and now? Is recovery and healing of our joy and zest for life possible? In order to find some answers, let us have a look at what it is that determines the greatest joy and energy in our lives and what makes us thrive.

What determines our joy and makes us thrive?

Suppose I would sit with you at this very moment and I would ask you, as reader of this article, “has there ever been a moment in your life when you experienced a deep joy and a sense of thriving?”, then what would be your answer?
I have asked that question - or a similar one - to various people. And I found it remarkable, that in almost all cases the other person told me a story in which he or she had been joyful with God and/or together with other people. Together with others they had done something, together a milestone had been reached, together they had enjoyed nature or just the quiet joy of being together.
Apparently, our experiences of joy and lust for life are highly relational. A secure and joyful togetherness with others enlarges our joy at a deep level as well as our sense of thriving and energy. It increases our sense of dignity and value and makes us see more opportunities, while the figurative bears on our road seem much smaller - in case we still see them at all, that is. Isolation, on the contrary, often leads to a deminishing of joy, dignity and energy.
In my pastoral practice I observed that people who maintained good and mutually validating relationships with God and others, mostly find a faster recovery from their painful or unpleasant experiences, as compared to those who lack such relationships. So we can conclude that open and secure relationships with God and others have a beneficial effect on us. Philosophers and psychologists have observed in this context that our sense of being (existentially), yes, even our identity, is to a large extent relationally determined³.
Now you may ask: that's all nice, but of what benefit is it to me, or to the counselee who seems to have lost all joy in life? Before I dig into that, let us go back to the Bible for a moment. What does the Bible say about our topic?

Joy in relationship

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control ...”

This Bible verse about the fruit of the Holy Spirit in our life is well known by many - possibly also by you who reads this. Did you ever realize that almost all aspects of that 'fruit' mentioned here, are relational aspects? There is almost nothing that I can experience purely on my own. It all has to do with the way we relate to each other.
This piece speaks of the fruit of the Holy Spirit - a fruit that grows when we let ourselves be fed daily by God, as tendrils on the vine.

“At its essence, joy is relational. Joy is the delight we experience when someone really connects with us. They want to be with us and we with them. Our faces glow. Our eyes grow big and sparkle. We smile and laugh and our hearts and senses open wide to gather them into us. Joy means someone is with me and I like it!” Jim Wilder Living with Men; p.13.

This verse says then, that if God's Spirit is allowed His influence in our lives, there will grow joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in our lives. And this fruit will be seen by others. I put a spotlight on that one word: joy. God's presence in us creates joy⁴.

That reminds me of being in love - there, too, the presence of that 'one special person' often results in a lot of joy and enthousiasm. Most of us will recognize - from our own lives or the lives of others around us: if you are in love, you are often sunnier in your mood and appearance. Perhaps you're a little dreamy at times (because you are with your loved one in your mind), but often you'll also be more lively and cheerful. Your energy level seems twice as high as otherwise. “It seems she walks on a cloud” I once heard someone say about an amorous woman, “she shines so brightly!”

I feel privileged that I also know this from my own life. At times, when I was alone, I longed to be so madly in love again. Somehow this indicates to me how I can flourish if there is somebody about whom my heart is 'full' - a person who is happy with me and I with her. You both feel validated. The moments that I really missed that, made me see how big the difference can be. In good attachments we bloom, I say elsewhere in different tonalities⁵. And precisely this has made me think further. If somehow we all know that the glad look of another can give us so much energy, and make us flourish, why don't we act more on this? Why do we let ourselves slip so easily into a kind of greyness? Apparently, we have difficulty pulling ourselves from that swamp by our own hairs - that swamp of depression, blaming each other, separating ourselves from God and from each other, putting each other down instead of cheering each other up, et cetera, in short: that swamp where joy and zest for life cannot flourish.
Now, let's look at the alternative that God offers us.

Building joy and zest for life

In the essay on the Aaronic blessing I demonstrate that God wanted the people of Israel to be blessed by the priests with His glad and shining Face. God knows how much difference it makes, if somebody looks at us with gladness, accepting us as we are, and says with his or her eyes: “Great to see you! I'm glad you're here with me!”

Several people have discovered this, from a variety of angles, over and again. One of those I think of is the well-known nineteenth century psychologist Alfred Adler. Adler was a contemporary to Freud, and for some time they were also fellow-citizens. However, there was also a big difference between the two: Adler helped the 'ordinary man', where Freud limited himself to treating the wealthy - those who could make him rich as well. I see this as a reflection of God's compassion in Adler, and one more reason to listen more to what Adler had to say, then to what Freud said⁶. As such, I think it is not surprising that it was Adler, not Freud, who discovered that people thrive better if they pick up on their sense of community and friendship and affirm or validate each other. Until today there are seminars being organised, from Adlerian ideas, where people can learn to affirm each other.

Of much more recent date - roughly a century later - is the change that God worked in the life of the American Christian psychologist Larry Crabb. In his book Connecting⁷ he changes his course radically, as he elevates having good, mutually affirming relationships with each other within the Church of Christ, even above his psychotherapy profession. He describes an incident that was one of the motivations for him⁸. That was an encounter, after many years, with a man whom he had counseled for several years, as a psychologist. He thought, this man will probably recall the deep sessions, in which such important matters had come to light; sessions that had been a turning point in the life of this man - to Crabb's experience. But no, the first thing this man said when he saw Larry Crabb again, was how moved he had been on an occasional encounter they once had in a park.

“The most powerful thing we can do to help someone change is to offer them a rich taste of God's incredible goodness in the New Covenant. He looks at us with eyes of delight, with eyes that see a goodness beneath the mess, with a heart that beats wildly with excitement over who we are and who we will become. And sometimes He exposes what we are convinced would make Him turn away in disgust in order to amaze us with his grace. That's connecting. When we connect like that, it can change people's lives.” Larry Crabb Connecting, p. 10

Larry Crabb had not just passed him by, but had looked at him with love and had chatted a little. He was not just a distant counselee, no, he was noticed as a fellow human being and that encounter was as from man to man, and that one gentle look had done more good than many deep sessions...

What these two men learned - and many others with them⁹ -, and then also witnessed, is the same as what I will repeat as well: Within relationships where we mutually affirm or validate the good in each other, we can thrive, there our identity is growing as well as our joy and zest for life. And precisely therein lies an important key to recovery: in starting to live according to God's intentions - in mutual affirmation with Him as well as among each other.

Many have seen or intuitively felt this and yet they failed to derive much hope out of it. For, isn't it “virtually impossible to nourish all those people who experienced brokenness, with the affirmation that they need to really live again?” Yes, humanly speaking this seems too big a job for a limited number of counselors or relief workers, who also have their own misfortune to deal with. For a long time, mainstream mental health services therefore promoted an attitude of 'professional distance' towards counselees. And, yes, that is exactly what often does not help injured people craving that affirmation and attachment, that look that says: “I understand you, I accept you, I am pleased with you!”
And then the Gospel invades the mental health scene with a Jesus Who ordered His followers to feed a large crowd of thousands of people on only a few loaves and fishes¹⁰. And it happened yet! How can this be? How did it come about? Jesus broke the loaves and the fish into pieces, and the followers and all those people - they kept on passing on what Jesus gave them. They kept on sharing.

Share it, please!

And that's exactly my answer to that burning question: 'What can we do to get that joy and zest for life back into our lives, in our families and in our groups, in our churches?'
Passing on what Jesus gives us!
Sharing: that gentle look of love with which He looked at the swindler and collaborator Zacchaeus when he had climbed into a tree in order to catch a glimpse of Jesus, despite his small stature¹¹. Passing on: the humble question that followed: “Can I have dinner with you, at your place, today?”
Sharing: that pure love in His eyes and in His words, when He met a foreign woman who was living together with a man, having had several broken marriages before, and when He asked her some water to drink as He was thirsty as well as aware of her big thirst for dignity and affirmation¹².
Passing on: that gentle and yet firm affirmation is His eyes and in His words, when Mary, the sister of Lazarus and Martha, had anointed Him out of her love and worship, and Jude and others attacked her on that¹³.
Passing on: the comfort that we received ourselves from God when we were in difficult circumstances, possibly via a loving brother or sister¹⁴.
Passing on, sharing, passing on...
Daring to receive (otherwise we have nothing to share or to pass on) and sharing and thereby multiplying it again.

You know, if we - nourishing ourselves in the love of Jesus - discover that God says “yes!” to our very existence, then something happens with the fear and distrust that made our hearts so cold (for ourselves and others): they melt away, like snow in the warmth of the sun¹⁵. If we - perhaps slowly and step by step - learn to receive in the depths of our souls, how He longs for us in tender love... then we become rich! Then, there's blessing in abundance, like at the time with those loaves and fishes - even as we continue to share! That is a life from wealth - no longer held back from poverty.
God longs for this, to give this to us!

By accepting each other from the love of Jesus, by affirming the good in each other, from the potential that He sees in the other, things are going to change in our outlook on the world. Then, we will start to enjoy the fact that we may share what we ourselves have received. (Likewise, I enjoy sharing this joyful message through this medium with you, because I am seized by the tender love of Jesus!) That is possible, because He gives us His Spirit, to work this out in and through us, like the aforementioned Bibleverse about the fruit of the Spirit, from the letter to the Galatians, indicates.

For a long time, it has been thought that in case someone had missed the loving parental care as a child, and was damaged as a result of it, he or she needed that love from others later, in order to restore that again and find healing. That idea was based on the fact that it often 'works' this way: missed experiences of attention, nurturing and love can still be 'recovered', that what was missed can still be received, and the inner 'hole' that was created can still be filled. This can be done by God, but even non-Christian psychologists tell examples where this happened and there was recovery: patterns of anxious-ambivalent or dismissive bonding slowly made room for secure bonding patterns, because there was loving attention from one or more others¹⁶. That is obviously good, but it can make someone in such a situation hopeless if he or she cannot find any such 'loving others'. And how often doesn't this occur?
The good news - also for these people - lies in that word 'sharing' which I just stressed. Recent neurological research shows, that it is not important who 'gives' and who 'receives': both persons experience the same joy in sharing¹⁷. That is why I call this the joy of connecting. We do not have to wait until someone looks at us with Jesus' loving eyes, we may also begin with sharing that loving look with others ourselves. For us, the beneficial and wholesome effect will be the same, either way. From another perspective, I hear Larry Crabb say the same: “The person who receives, experiences the joy of healing. The person who gives, gets to know the even greater joy to be used to heal. There is something good in the heart of every one of God's children that is more powerful than all the evil. It is there, and waits to be released” (Connecting, p. ..).
Another beautiful treasure, discovered by those neuro-scientists: the joy region in our brains remains growing and changing all our lives! Even physically, there is hope for change, if we focus on the experience of joy in connectedness with God and others, as I have just described.

Celebrating attachment

Probably you, who reads this, will know the story of Jesus that is known as the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15 : 11-32) Let's for a moment not talk about the son who ran away and who returned later, but let's have a look at his brother. He is angry and sulking when his father throws a party because of the return of his brother. He says: “Lo, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command; yet you never gave me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your living with harlots, you killed for him the fatted calf!”. The father then says: “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.” A Biblestudy on the web¹⁸ reminded me that the first words of this father have a striking parallel to the word Immanuel: God with us.
The Father is in Christ always present with us, and it isn't His fault if we do not throw a party because of that. All of the Old Testament is full of encouragements to celebrate around the presence of JHWH - the God Who was and is also called: The One Who is present. Life with God is meant to be exciting!
The apostle Paul understood this, when in his letters he called the churches to rejoice in this Immanuel: Christ Jesus¹⁹. It is a wonder and glory that we may celebrate that God is here, with us!
Many christians forgot - or never heard of it and never paused long enough to realize - that the Sabbath or sunday is most of all a day to celebrate that Immanuel has come, has died for our sins and has risen as the Great Victor. Too often we live as if we take life for granted, just as the older brother from Jesus' parable. Sometimes we need to get into a situation as that of the younger son - feeding pigs with a hungry stomach -, to realise how great God's grace to us has been and still is daily. Then we will celebrate, when we experience that the heavenly Father stood there, waiting for our return, that He takes us gently into His loving arms and that He throws a party for our return²⁰.

Joy and thriving - even amidst our sorrow

The question can be raised: 'Will there then never be sorrow in our lives?' Or: 'Shall we never be discouraged anymore?' The answer to this is that there will be sorrow and hardships, and yet, things will be different.
This reminds me of the story of the two sisters, Mary and Martha, who had just buried their beloved brother Lazarus ²¹. They had witnessed many being healed under Jesus' hands, but when their brother became ill, Jesus was just in some other village. When He came, it was already too late. But then, what happens?

Joy is not above sorrow, but next to it. With rebellion and sorrow, joy stands opposite to bitterness, freezing and drooping. Joy and sorrow are not mutually exclusive. But joy has the future... W. ter Horst Over troosten en verdriet (About comforting and sorrow, in Dutch), p.54, my translation

Jesus sees Mary weeping and feels her sorrow and joins her in crying! Even in the deep sorrow of Mary there is the joy of the connection - Jesus standing besides her in her sorrow, yes even weeping with her. He doesn't ridicule her weeping, but affirms her, in her sorrow, as a person. I believe that that experience, with what followed: that Jesus raised her brother from the death, urged her to that ultimate form of adoration and worship that I mentioned before, when she anointed Jesus with the very precious oil.

Real joy cannot be faked

If we see that the joy of a mutually affirming²² and spiritually stimulating fellowship has such a positive effect, we sometimes tend to put the cart before the horse. Sometimes I see people think, that we might be able to create the same joy of real heart-to-heart communication just with a cosy or lively atmosphere. People will do a lot on the outside - like creating 'positive circumstances' through a cosy tea-table, a nice terrace or some sweet music - to 'construct' a sense of that inner joy and thriving. It is an effort to counterfeit²³.
But unfortunately for them, it doesn't work that way: real joy cannot be faked. On the contrary, such forgery often leads to even more isolation, estrangement and loneliness, and more likely take away energy than create that thriving that comes from deep connection. Often I have experienced this myself and heard stories about it from others: faked cosyness (in Dutch we have a typical word for cosyness: 'gezelligheid' that is often used to describe a desired atmosphere) is cold and empty, however beautiful it may look on the outside.
Real joy, the kind that makes us thrive with energy that I am talking about in this article, demands that we let go of all desire to fabricate it²⁴. That is a joy that is born spontaneously and in vulnerability. Just like a child that is born, created from a unification of a man and a woman in their most tender parts, so real joy is born when we are willing to open ourselves vulnerably to one another. It doesn't come on questions like: 'what profit does it give me if I...?' or: 'what do I do to get...?'. Or, like Kathryn Cohan once had it on her website²⁵: “Relationships in connection are motivated by the desire to participate with other people, versus the desire for gratification by other people. Not "getting", engaging and being engaged by.”

Working on real connection

Larry Crabb, in his book Connecting, talks about it, how we can work on real heart-to-heart connection. Three aspects of that I remember vividly. I combine them here with aspects that God showed me personally:

	look at each other through God's eyes, full of grace and love;
	see the potential in the other and get acquainted with the direction in which he or she would like to grow;
	affirm the good (that what is after God's pluriformous image) in the other.

By asking ourselves: “How do You, God, look at the other now?” we engage ourselves in God's perspective and elevate ourselves as it were out from that narrow minded perspective that might just be partially influenced by negative experiences in our past (or just by our old nature that was isolated from God). Thereby, we open ourselves up for new experiences with this particular person (who differs from others in previous experiences!). And God's perspective towards people is always a perspective of love and grace, and sometimes also of scharp clarity and boundaries²⁶.

“I do indeed believe, with Freud, that men are ruled by the desire for pleasure; and I think that it is possible to build a morality on his pleasure principle. Not saying to people, 'This or that is forbidden', so much as 'Choose your pleasures well. Love God as a pleasure and not as a duty. Live through pleasure as honest and fruitful a life as possible.' For the more man is free to manifest his desires, the more responsible is he for his choices. Yes! A morality built upon the best-chosen pleasures, and on the joy that results from them.” Paul Tournier The Violence Within, Harper & Row, New York etc., ISBN 0-06-068293-0 (translation by Edwin Hudson, of: Violence et Puissance, Delachaux et Niestlé, Neuchâtel & Paris, 1977; 1st English ed. The Violence Inside, SCM Press, 1978), Ch.16 'The Pleasure Principle' (p.79).

That perspective of God helps us, to see the potential in the other; the goal towards which God is traveling with the other. It also helps us to ask questions and get acquainted with the goal the other person him- or herself is trying to achieve. From that, we can learn to stand next to God and next to each other, in stead of opposite to him or her, on our way to change and renewal.
A simple example to clarify this: suppose you are annoyed by the passivity of a friend. You would like to prod him a little, but realise that doing so would create irritation in him. Gods perspective might let you see, that this passivity has a good side as well: he also has a lot of rest and peace, and can listen very well. The potential of this is great: someone who, by his quiet attitude and good listening, can help others find their place. In case you also know that he would like to become more active, but does not want to sacrifice his quietness to this, you can look how you can help him to become more active in and from that quietness. Then, you'll no longer be opposing him, as in previous efforts to prod him to do something, but you can look together with him how activity and a quiet attitude can be combined. That way, both of you might learn valuable lessons.
In the example you can, by this new attitude, apply the third point and help you friend for example by affirming the strengths in his peace and listening skills. “It's great, the peace you give by your quiet listening!” Your friend jumps up. What does he hear there? He looks you in the eyes and sees love - somebody standing besides him. His inner energy increases and he reacts more active than usual...

It is important, says Crabb, to be focused on communication from heart to heart and not from our - possibly irritated - outside, nor focused on the - possibly distancing - outside of the other. Questions like: “What really do I want, deep inside?” and: “Wat really do you (the other) want, deep inside?” can help us with that.

Tom Marshall, in his book Right Relationships, sees four aspects in our attitude that can make our relationships satisfying and constructive:

	Love (especially: persevering love, presenting itself in care and friendship);
	Trust to be able to be vulnerable towards each other - earned by dedication;
	Respect and honour - giving each other dignity;
	Understanding - being focussed on understanding each other and feeling with the other.

These four aspects illustrate in fact the three points that I showed above.

Also valuable in this context is the smaller book by Jerry Cook: Love, Acceptance and Forgiveness. He sees the Christian Church as a place where people find healing - specifically through the mutual love and acceptance.

Martin Seligman, a well-known secular American psychologist, studied for many years the concept of 'learned helplessness' in humans as well as animals, and wrote many, many dozens of publications about that, yielding him a well-known position as the expert on 'learned helplessness'. One day in the garden with his daughter Nikki (just five years old), she confronted him that he was so grumpy. She said, that on becoming five years old, she had decided that she wasn't going to whine anymore. And she considered that, if she could change, her father should certainly be able to do the same. All of a sudden, he tells in an interview, he saw that she was right and that he had had a wrong idea of child-rearing and psychology. It wasn't about correcting what was at fault, but much more to stimulate the good. As a consequence of that event, he changed course completely. Now, he studies how people can use their strong sides to make themselves as well as others happier, and writes books with titles such as Learned Optimism and Authentic Happiness. Really being happy, according to him, is associated with living for a higher purpose and in relationships with others, and using your gifts and talents for that purpose²⁷.
I had to smile, when I read this story of Seligman and his little daughter. It is such a living illustration of what this article is all about - at least the human side of it. The great scholar sees a drastic change for the good, by listening to his five year old daughter... His daughter, who - from some battle in her own life - confronts him with what is possible. She sees possibilities, and she sees analogies between her life and that of her father (whom she respects and whom she puts on his -high- place with her words!). Put differently: she speaks from connection. Until that moment, he had mainly focussed on the difficulties - learned helplessness a.o. -, but is convinced by the enthousiasm of his daughter and how she surprised him in her simplicity and love.
This example shows that starting from connection and affirmation does not mean that we excuse everything of each other. Seligman's daughter did not excuse the grumping of her father, but, in her vulnerable and childlike simple disarming way, she showed him that change was possible. By doing so, she put her father in his proper -worthy- place. With real affirmation, as is meant here, we reinforce each other's dignity through connection.

Living from connection versus living from distrust and isolation

After an earlier version of this article someone asked me how I looked at the above in relation to the concept of sin.

“All temptations are in principle an attempt to get us to live our lives independently from God” Neil T. Anderson Restored.

“In the Bible you see people being confronted with their sinful way of life, or, for example, with their incinserity”, he added. “Even Jesus confronted people with that.”
This brother also asked how I saw it all in connection with demonic oppression.
My reaction to that is the following. Paul speaks in his letters about sin, too. In the letter to the Church in Rome he depicts two opposing ways of life: 'living through the Spirit' and 'living according to the flesh - our old nature, isolated from God'. As I illustrated in the beginning of this article, Adam and Eve let themselves be seduced to distrust God, thereby distancing themselves from God. In the terminology of this article: they chose autonomy, separation and isolation. That is the essence of the 'living according to the flesh', Paul was talking about. 'Living through the Spirit', or 'living in the light' as John cites Jesus, means that we subject ourselves to God, that we choose to approach Him in our lives (facing Him, in stead of showing Him our back or walking away from Him). That is what I call: choosing for connection with God and others. Avoiding sin and contact with dark powers, is a consequence of that.
So easily we let ourselves be seduced, to think that on our own, in our isolation, in our distrust, we can put sin behind us or free ourselves from the influence of evil powers. Sometimes we even think that it is necessary to do so before we can go to God. Both of these are not the case. It would be working on the outside, as opposed so fiercely by Jesus (compare how He called people who tried to do this 'whitened graves': nice looking on the outside, but dead inside). When, on the other hand, we focus on living in Gods presence, allowing Him to change things in our hearts and lives, then we notice that indeed we do change - but then from the inside out, by His Spirit working in us.
Next, the other issue raised by my precious brother: sincerity. Here, the same applies. I cannot force myself to be sincere. By nature my heart is not sincere. By turning myself to God, choosing every day again to tune my life to Him and be open for His leading and control - even when He uses an imperfect brother or sister or other fellow human for that purpose -, I can change by His grace, in this respect too.

Here lies an extra responsibility for ministers, pastors and pastoral workers, to go before others in learning to live in joyful connection with God and each other, praising God and affirming the good in each other. Such a lifestyle works 'contagious'. It gives people hope, that it is possible for normal, weak and fallible people, to thrive and have joy, dignity and meaning.

The fruit of connection

The real heart-to-heart connection as illustrated above, does not leave us untouched. Sooner or later it will carry fruit in our life. Jean Baker Miller (cited in the article by Kathryn Cohan I cited earlier), describes five aspects of these consequences of real connection in our life:

	Zest: increased energy or vitality;
	Action: empowerment to act beyond the relational moment;
	Increased knowledge and clarity about one's own and other's feelings;
	Increased sense of worth (based upon another hearing and responding empathetically);
	Desire for more connection.

Notice that these are also aspects that various people - both secular scientists and Christians - have mentioned as aspects of mentally and emotionally healthy functioning, seen both individually and in a social context.
When we learn to live in and from the connection, passing on to each other the love, affirmation, comfort, warmth and joy of God, we walk on the road away from pain and depression, to joy and thriving.

The Church as place to work-and-learn

This means a lot for the functioning of the Christian Church. For, isn't that the prime place where we can exercise the mutually passing on of the goodness of God as illustrated above? As Martien Jan de Haan of Archippus (then with the Dutch 'Vereniging tot Heil des Volks' - the Association for the Salvation of the People) once noted so succinctly²⁸:

“The Church, as God's family, is meant to give each other what we need. In this environment we may grow and develop in the way God has in mind for us. But is it not meant that we keep this grace for ourselves. We have to share her with others. We have to be willing, from the maturity that we have reached, to serve others and enable them to grow as well.”

Summary

In renewal or recovery from an -in some way- painful or traumatic history, affirming relationships -with God and others- play a major role. Both the emotionally wounded person, and the counselor, and other bystanders can have an active role in this. When Jesus walked here on earth, He looked at people with eyes full of grace and loving acceptance. That Love He obtained daily from our heavenly Father-God.
We may focus on Him in the same way to receive the love from God, enjoy it, and pass it on toward each other. Looking at each other in vulnerable dependence on God and approach each other with Jesus' eyes full of grace and loving acceptance.
In this way we may learn to pass on to each other that abundant and whole-some Love of Christ! For that, we do not need any college education or whatever. Like Joni Eareckson - Tada says somewhere about the difficult period after she got paralysed: “It were just normal folks who gave me what I needed most... God's love in action”²⁹.
This is the best way to get away from the vally of pain and depression, into the new land of joy and excitement.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,
so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

Footnotes:

1	See for example: Our ultimate life goal: Intimate connection with God, Family life and personality development and Verbondenheid als rode draad door het hele leven heen (Connection as central theme all throughout life; in Dutch)
2	See Some notions on shame; and: Human dignity - How much difference it makes how we portray each other and ourselves as well; and also: De vuilnis de deur uit! - over externalisatie van geïnternaliseerde én andere rottigheid (Throwing the garbage away - on externalisation of internalised as well as other rubbish; in Dutch); and: Op de vlucht voor je verleden? - over het belang van verwerking en de rol van vrede en relaties daarin (The flight from the past - on the importance of dealing with past experiences and the role of peace and relationships in that process).
3	That my identity is not something of me in myself, but relationally determined instead, is one of the focus points of the school of Social Constructionism and Narrative Therapy: Kenneth Gergen and Mikhail Bakhtin - two proponents of the 'Narrative' approach - have said respectively: “discourse is not the possession of a single individual. Meaningful language is the product of social interdependence. It requires the coordinated actions of at least two persons, and until there is mutual agreement on the meaningful character of words, they fail to constitute language. If we follow this line of argument to its ineluctable conclusion, we find that it is not the mind of the single individual that provides whatever certitude we possess, but relationships of interdependency. If there were no interdependence - the joint creation of meaningful discourse - there would be no "objects" or "actions" or means of rendering them doubtful. We may rightfully replace Descartes's [sic] dictum ['Cogito ergo sum' AL] ['I think, so I am'; AHR] with communicamus ergo sum ['I communicate, so I am'; AHR].” “I am conscious of myself and become myself only while revealing myself for another, through another, and with the help of another... every internal experience ends up on the boundary... The very being of man (both internal and external) is a profound communication. To be means to communicate... To be means to be for the other; and through him, for oneself. Man has no internal sovereign territory; he is all and always on the boundary...” Bron: K.J. Gergen, Realities and Relationships: Soundings in Social Construction, Harvard University Press, Cambridge, MA, 1994, viii; and M.M. Bakhtin,Problems of Dostoevsky's Poetics, Edited and trans. by Caryl Emerson, University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis, 1984; p.287; both cited in A. Lock: Draft outline for a course on identity and self. “Truth is not to be found inside the head of an individual person, it is born between people collectively searching for truth, in the process of their dialogic interaction.” M.M. Bakhtin, Problems of Dostoevsky's Poetics, Edited and trans. by Caryl Emerson, University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis, 1984; p.110, cited in: John Shotter, The social construction of our 'inner' lives.
4	The joy that we can experience by God's presence is a theme that we encounter a lot in the Bible - a.o. in the Psalms. See e.g. Psalm 36:7-9: “How precious is Your steadfast love, O God! The children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They feast on the abundance of Your house, and You give them to drink from the river of Your delights. For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light do we see the light.” Or Psalm 16:11 (cf. Acts 2:28): “You show me the path of life; in Your presence there is fulness of joy, in Your right hand are pleasures for evermore.” Or Psalm 21:6: “... Yea, You make him most blessed forever; You have made him exceedingly glad in the gladness in Your holy face.” From this joy of God - and certainly not from his circumstances - it was that Paul could even rejoice and praise God in the very hard situation of a prison dungeon of those times, like we read in Acts 16:22-36 (spec. verse 25). Very clear I find what is written about Jezus. Jesus desired nothing more than sharing His unspeakable and full joy with us, like He prayed in the High Priest's prayer (John 17:12-13): “While I was with them, I kept them in thy name, which Thou hast given Me; I have guarded them, and none of them is lost but the son of perdition, that the Scripture might be fulfilled. But now I am coming to Thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they may have My joy fulfilled in themselves.” And like He said in one of His last deep talks with His disciples (John 15:11): “I have spoken these things to you so that My joy might remain in you and your joy might be full.” Notice that Jesus want to share His joy with us; no need for us to stir joy up in ourselves or 'put on a joyful face' while being sad or whatever on the inside. All that He shared with His disciples in those last precious moments before His temporal death on that hoorible cross, was directed to share His joy with them... My brain is far to small to comprehend this greatness!! See also the Bible-book Song of Songs (and my essay on the Aaronitic blessing).
5	See the articles in note 1 and We geven door hoe verbonden we zijn - (On)verbondenheid als bepalende en verklarende factor in de doorgifte van geestelijke (on)gezondheid (We pass on how connected we are - (dis)connection as explaining factor in the intergenerational transmission of mental illness and health; in Dutch); and: Attachment: Key to Healthy Living through Adequate Affect Regulation - how all kinds of psychopathology can be reduced to difficulty in dealing with intense emotions deriving from a lack of secure early attachment or traumatic fractures in connection with God and others. For the positive side of this story, see also: Victor van Heusden, 'Verbondenheid ligt dicht bij genieten' (Connection is close to enjoying), Magazine EO Visie, 6-12 Aug. 2005, nr.32, p.68-71; see also the retreatecentre of the writer.
6	It attracted my attention that e.g. also the well-known Christian physician Paul Tournier in '60-ies of the previous age had more sympathy with Alfred Adler than people like Jung or Freud. See a.o. Paul Tournier, A Place for You, p.86, where he - referring to a book by Dr Reissner - says: “As for Alfred Adler, ... of the 'Big Three' he is the nearest to Christian doctrine.”. At least the same appreciation for Adler as compared to Freud I also encountered in the impressive and extensive older survey by G. Brillenburg Wurth, Christelijke Zielszorg - in het licht der moderne psychologie (Christian spiritual care - in the light of the modern psychology; in Dutch), Kok, Kampen, 1955; p.56-57. In this context it is strange, and certainly not justifiable, that Freud - also in Christian circles - is often better known and more respected than Adler.
7	Larry Crabb, Connecting - Healing for ourselves and our relationships; a radical vision, Word Publishing, Nashville Tennessee USA, 1997. In this book Larry Crabb explains how once more the Church can become a healing community, where connection helps people to become who they are meant to be. See also: A Shrink Gets Stretched - Why psychologist Larry Crabb believes spiritual direction should replace therapy; by Agnieszka Tennant, Christianity Today, May 2003. For more background info I refer to the website of Larry Crabb's New Way Ministries.
8	See the foreword in Larry Crabb, Connecting (above, in note 7).
9	A.o. the development psychologist Bowlby, who says: “For not only young children, it is now clear, but human beings of all ages are found to be at their happiest and to be able to deploy their talents to best advantage when they are confident that, standing behind them, there are one or more trusted persons who will come to their aid should difficulties arise.” Source: John Bowlby, Attachment and loss 2: Separation - anger and anxiety, Hogarth / Pimlico (Random House), 1998; ISBN: 0-7126-6621-4, p.407 (p.359 in the 1973 edition); See also: Henry Pinsker, 'The Supportive Component of Psychotherapy', Psychiatric Times, November 1998, Vol. XV, Issue 11.
10	See John 6.
11	See Luke 19 : 2-10.
12	See John 4.
13	See John 12.
14	Compare 2 Corinthians 1 : 3-5.
15	I personally believe that this is what John meant when he wrote in his first letter: 1 John 4 : 16-19.
16	In his book A Secure Base (p.136) John Bowlby mentions that he has come to see that experiences in relationships with others can influence - improve or worsen - our appreciation of them as well as our attachment style for the rest of our life. From that, he derives hope for effective therapy, in case someone has suffered from some kind of bad treatment as a child.
17	Jim Wilder, psychologist and pastoral worker, told this at a seminar on Your church as a safety net?! (translated into Dutch), that he gave at De Hoop in Dordrecht, the Netherlands, Fall 2004. (A set of CD's with the lectures of this day can be ordered from De Hoop: info@dehoop.org.)
18	Jan Johnson Studies in The With-God Life - Exploring The Renovaré Spiritual Formation Bible; © HarperSanFrancisco, 2005 (specially Session 5, p.33-38 from this). Note: This set of Biblestudies explains well what the life-with-God is all about (a.o. from the Immanuel-concept: the wonderful notion that God is with us in Christ).
19	See e.g.: Romans 12 : 12 (,15); 15 : 10; (also 5 : 2-3, 11); Philippians 2 : 18; 3 : 1; 1 Thessalonians 5 : 16. Compare also: Deut. 16 : 11-15 and: Psalm 37 : 4; where God asked Israël to celebrate and rejoice in Him, and Phil. 1 : 18-19, Phil. 4 : 10-19, where we see how Paul himself practiced what he preached, also in the most difficult circumstances. This is why John Piper says - whenever he speaks, a.o. in his book Desiring God - that we have to learn to enjoy God again. Too often, we are satisfied with the forgery or substitute, things that do not give us that real joy and satisfaction that we can only receive in the fellowship with God. We may search and long for that fullnes of joy - we have been created for it! After all, even God Himself can enjoy good fellowship!
20	Compare Is. 62 : 4, and Psalm 147 : 10-12 where it says that God rejoices in us.
21	See John 11. Also have a look at my rendition of The amazing story of Mary - about her experiences with Jesus ( a document in PDF-format to be read with Adobe Reader™)
22	'Affirming each other', as discussed here, doesn't mean always being 'soft' and 'sweet' towards each other. Think of the verse from Proverbs (27:5): Better is open rebuke than hidden love.; in other words: it is better to confront someone from love, or e.g. to say how he or she has hurt you, than just 'covering' everything or 'swallowing it'. See also my article: Communiceren vanuit verbondenheid (Communicating from connection; in Dutch)
23	Also with respect to the intimate walk with God I have seen this attempt to 'construct' intimacy in so called 'worship gatherings'. See my article about True worship.
24	See e.g. Wim Rietkerk, God schiep de wereld tot vreugde - 'Pas wie loslaat begeeft zich op de weg van genieten' (God created the world for joy - only who lets go will come on the way to enjoyment; in Dutch), Dutch quarterly Groei, Jrg.4, nr.2, Summer 2000, p.4-9.
25	Kathryn Cohan, with her -former- webpage Basics of Relational Theory, stood in the tradition of Jean Baker Miller & Janet Surrey of Wellesley College (an American university for women), founders of the self-in-relation vision on women's development. The boldface stress in the citation is mine. Also the list of five 'fruits' of real connection mentioned a little further on is largely adapted from Kathryn Cohan (citing Jean Baker Miller).
26	I think of Jesus' atttitude towards the hypocrisy of some of the Pharisees. From the love that was the basis of all of Jesus' acting and speaking, He sometimes told them sharply that a big change was necessary in their attitude and life to really belong to God. I am reminded of that text from Proverbs (27:5) mentioned in note 18. See also my Dutch article: Communiceren vanuit verbondenheid (Communicating from connection)
27	See for example the interview which Wendy Schuman of Beliefnet had with Martin Seligman: The Psychology of Real Happiness. The book mentioned is: M. Seligman, Authentic Happiness, Free Press, Toronto, 2002. Seligman is now a strong proponent in America of the so called positive psychology. See also: Within Families - The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness, by Christine Carter of the University of Berkeley for the 'Center for the Development of Peace & Well-being'.
28	Martien Jan de Haan, 'Liefdevolle gemeenschap - De vergeten factor voor herstel' (Loving community - the forgotten factor for recovery), issue about De Gemeente als Hulpverlener (The Church as Helper), of the monthly magazine De Oogst (The Harvest), Jrg.67, nr. 794; July-Aug. 2004, p.14-15, my translation. See also the issue Samenleving zonder samenhang (Society without cohesion), of De Oogst, Jrg.68, nr. 801; March 2005, with a.o. 'De noodzaak van een betrokken gemeente' (The need for an engaged church), by Nympha Dijs (p.7), 'Bezield verband' (Inspired connection), by Krijn de Jong (p.3), and 'De gemeenschapszin van een gezonde kerk in een ziek continent' (The sense of community of a healthy church in a sick continent), by Bram Krol. Also in the October 2005 edition of De Oogst (The Harvest), Jrg.68, nr. 807; on help and identity, there is a good article about this by John Visscher: 'Bouwen aan een veilige gemeenschap' (building a safe community) (p.18-20). See also: The Path to Happiness, door Pat Brennan.
29	Joni Eareckson - Tada, Wie helpt het meeste? (Who helps the most?), Dutch quarterly Groei, Jrg.9, nr.1, 2005, p.60-63. See also my article: Wounded Healers.

General note: Transactional Analysis has its own, and very valuable angle on the theme of this article (see the books by Harris and Berne about this). In the vision of Transactional Analysis it is often either the inner child and/or the inner parent and/or conflicts between the two that cause psychological problems. Exactly these two sides of the personality are often not reached very well in a purely cognitive approach (though some cognitive approaches seem to have some temporary success by repressing both the inner child and the inner parent), certainly not the way they are in an approach based on relationship and empathy. In the warmth of this latter approach the person can gradually recognize and let go of the old, sometimes disfunctional inner parent, while the inner child with its traumatic or troubling experiences can experience the safety that it needs to trust the adult and grow up to maturity and so fully integrate into the adult.

For further reading

Keith R. Anderson, Friendships that run deep - 7 ways to build lasting relationships, Inter Varsity Press, Downers Grove, Ill, 1997; ISBN 0 8308 1966 5.

Neil T. Anderson, Restored - Experience Life with Jesus.

Rita Bennet, Making peace with your inner child, Fleming H. Revell, Old Tappan NJ USA / Kingsway, Eastbourne GB, 1987.

Eric Berne, Games People Play, Grove Press, New York.

Eric Berne, Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy - A Systematic Individual and Social Psychiatry, Ballantine Books (Grove Press), New York, 1961.

Signa Bodishbaugh (with Conlee Bodishbaugh), Illusions of Intimacy, Journey Press / Sovereign World, Mobile, Alabama, USA, 2004; ISBN 1-85240-375-6; see also the info-sheet about it at Sovereign.

John Bowlby, A Secure Base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development, Basic Books (Perseus), New York USA, 1988 / Routledge (Taylor & Francis Books Ltd.), 1988; ISBN: 0-465-07597-5.

John Bowlby, The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds, Tavistock, London / Routledge (Taylor & Francis Books), London, 1979; ISBN: 0415043263.

John Bowlby, Attachment and loss 1: Attachment, Pimlico; ISBN: 0-7126-7471-3 - Paperback new edition of 2nd revised edition, 1997)

John Bowlby, Attachment and loss 2: Separation - anger and anxiety, Hogarth / Pimlico (Random House), 1998; ISBN: 0-7126-6621-4.

John Bowlby, Attachment and loss 3: Loss - sadness and depression, Hogarth / Pimlico (Random House), 1998; ISBN: 0-7126-6626-5.

Tony Campolo, The Kingdom of God is a party, God's radical plan for His family, Thomas Nelson, 1992; ISBN-10: 0849933994 ISBN-13: 978-0849933998.

Christine Carter (Berkeley UC), Within Families - The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness, webdocument of The Center for the Development of Peace and Well-Being.

Andrew Comiskey, Strength in Weakness - Healing Sexual and Relational Brokenness, Inter Varsity Press, Downers Grove IL, USA, 2003; ISBN 0-8308-2368-9.

Jerry Cook, Love, Acceptance and Forgiveness, Gospel Lit. Int'l, USA, 1981.

Judson Cornwall & Michael S.B. Reid, Whose love is it anyway?, Sharon, Pilgrims Hatch Brentwood Essex GB, 1991.

Larry Crabb, Connecting - Healing for ourselves and our relationships; a radical vision, Word Publishing, Nashville Tennessee USA, 1997.

Larry Crabb & Dan Allender, Encouragement, the key to caring, Zondervan Grand Rapids MI USA, 1984.

Jane Hansen, Marie Powers, Fashioned for Intimacy, Regal Books (Gospel Light publ.), Ventura California USA, 1997; ISBN: 0830723218.

Thomas A. Harris, I'm ok, you're ok, Harper and Row, New York / Evanston, 1967.

Brennan Manning, Abba's Child - the cry of the heart for intimate belonging, NavPress, Colorado USA, 1994.

Catherine Marshall, The Helper, Chosen Books, USA, 1978.

Tom Marshall, Right Relationships - a Biblical foundation for making and mending relationships, Sovereign World, Chichester, GB, 1989; ISBN 1-85240-034-X).

Josh McDowell (with Dale Bellis), Evidence for joy - Unlocking the secrets of being loved, accepted and secure..., Word, Waco TX USA, 1984; ISBN 0-85009-055-5.

Larry J. Michael, The Medicine of Laughter: Spurgeon's Humor, web-article, Gary L. Thomas Center for Evangelical Spirituality, 2003.

Alice Miller, The Drama of Being a Child: The Search for the True Self, ISBN 1860491014 (translation of: Das drama des begabten Kindes und die Suche nach dem wahren Selbst - eine Um- und Fortschreibung, 1979 (in German)).

Henri J.M. Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus - reflections on Christian leadership, Crossroad, New York USA, 198x.

Henri Nouwen, The return of the prodigal son, ...., 19xx.

Leanne Payne, Restoring the christian soul - through healing prayer (Overcoming the three great barriers to personal and spiritual completion in Christ), Crossway Books, Wheaton Ill USA, 1991.

Leanne Payne, The Healing Presence, Crossway Books, Wheaton Ill USA / Baker Book House, Grand Rapids MI USA, 1989/1995.

Leanne Payne, Real Presence - The Glory of Christ with Us and within Us, Baker Book House, Grand Rapids MI, USA, 1979/1995.
Se especially Chapter 7 'The Great Dance' from this, where Leanne Payne shows how joy is a result of a life in obedience - not a slavish or dutiful obedience but like a dance. “Obedience is the 'holy bending' that is a condition to take part in the godly relationship. Choosing for this obedience is in fact choosing for joy.” (p.76) She says that in fact we have the choice: either we choose for the dance of obedience to God and for love, joy and connection, or we choose for the hell of the isolated 'I', the separation and the disconnection.

John Piper, Seeing and Savouring Jesus Christ, Crossway / Good News Publ., Wheaton, 2001.

John Piper, When I Don't Desire God, Crossway Books, Wheaton Ill, 2004; ISBN 1-58134-652-2.

John Piper, Desiring God, Multnomah, 2003, ISBN: 1590521196; see also: John Piper's website: 'Desiring God', with many good sermons, like: Worship - The Feast of Christian Hedonism (after Psalm 63:5-6), The Happiness of God - Foundation for Christian Hedonism (after Jer.32:36-41), and: I Will Go to God, My Exceeding Joy (after Psalm 43).

J. Oswald Sanders, Facing loneliness - the starting point of a new journey, Highland Books, Crowborough East-Sussex England, 1988 / Discovery House, Grand Rapids MI USA, 1990.

John Ernest Sanders, The God Who risks - A theology of providence, IVP, Downers Grove Illinois, 1998.

Allan N. Schore, Affect Dysregulation & Disorders of the Self, W.W. Norton & Cy, New York / London, 2003.

Allan N. Schore, 'Effects of a Secure Attachment Relationship on Right Brain Development, Affect Regulation, and Infant Mental Health', Infant Mental Health Jl. Vol.22 (1-2), 2001, p.7-66.

Paul D. Stanley, J. Robert Clinton, Connecting - The mentoring relationships you need to succeed in life, Navpress, Colorado Springs, USA, 1992. ISBN 0-89109-638-8.

David Takle, 'Rowing or sailing?' , brief article on the meaning of Spiritual Formation, on the Life Model website.

Anna A.A. Terruwe, Give Me Your Hand - About Affirmation, Key to Human Happiness, Croydon, Victoria, Spectrum Publications, 1973 (translation, by Martin Van Buuren, of: Geef mij je hand - over bevestiging, sleutel van menselijk geluk, De Tijdstroom, Lochem NL, 1972; in Dutch).

Paul Thigpen, Where's the joy? - It May Be Closer Than You Think - keys to finding the Source of True Delight, USA Navigators' Discipleship Jl, Issue 93, May/June 1996 (see also the sidebar: Joy Stealers).

Paul Thigpen, Loved by the Holy Spirit, USA Navigators' Discipleship Jl., Issue 146, March/April 2005.

Gary Thomas, The Joy of Selflessness, web-article, Gary L. Thomas Center for Evangelical Spirituality, 2003.

Henry G. Tietze, Botschaften aus dem Mutterleib, Ariston Verlag, Genf, 1984.

Paul Tournier, Escape from loneliness, W.L. Jenkins / SCM Press, 1962 / Highland Books, Crowborough East Sussex GB, 1983 (translation, by John S. Gilmour, of: De la solitude à la communauté, Delachaux & Niestlé, Neuchâtel / Paris, 1943/1948.).

Paul Tournier, Le personnage et la personne.

Paul Tournier, The Adventure of Living, SCM Press, London, 1966 (translation, by Edwin Hudson, of: L'Aventure de la Vie, Delachaux et Niestlé, Neuchâtel et Paris, 1965).

Paul Tournier, A Place for You - Psychology and Religion, SCM Press, Great Britain, 1968 / Highland Books, East Sussex, Great Britain, 1984; ISBN 0 946616 09 4; (translation, by Edwin Hudson, of: L'homme et son lieu, Delachaux et Niestlé, Neuchâtel, 1966).

John Townsend, Hiding from Love (We all long to be cared for, but we prevent it by -) - How to change the withdrawal patterns that isolate and imprison you, NavPress, USA, 1991 / Scripture Press, Amersham-on-the-Hill Bucks England, 1992; ISBN 1-872059-68-6.
Lin Button of Pastoral Care Ministries wrote about this book something like: “A life changing book for everyone who experiences problems in relationships. It points the way for a spiritual journey to the place where you can receive love from God and others, and where you learn to accept yourself.”

A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God, Christian Publications, 1982.

Ingrid Trobish, The Hidden Strength - Rooted in the Security of God's Love, Here's Life, San Bernardino, 1988.

Lori A. Varick, Designed for dependency - moving from emotional isolation to intimacy, Emerald Books, Lynnwood Washington USA, 1994.

E. James Wilder, James G. Friesen, Anne M. Bierling, Rick Koepcke, Maribeth Poole, The Life Model - Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You - The Essentials of Christian Living, and: Bringing the Life Model to Life - The LIFE Model Study Guide for Individuals and Small Groups, Shepherd's House, Pasadena, CA, USA, 1999 and 2000 respectively).

E. James Wilder, Joy Bonds [1. Developing 'Joy Strength' and the Capacity to Persevere, 2. From Dread to Joy: Dealing with Borderline Problems, 3. Finishing Well: Returning to Joy, Personally and Corporately], videotaped seminar (4 VHS tapes), ICBC international (click on 'Resource Center').

E. James Wilder, The Stages of a Man's Life - A Guide for Men and Women, Quiet Water Publ., Bolivar, Missouri, USA, 2003; ISBN 1-931475-18-0.

E. James Wilder, The Red Dragon Cast Down - A Redemptive Approach to the Occult and Satanism, Chosen (Baker Book House), Grand Rapids, MI, 1999; ISBN 0-8007-9270-X.

E. James Wilder, (The Complete Guide to) Living with Men - Keep Growing and Stay Lovable, Shepherd's House Publishing, Pasadena CA, USA, 1993/2004; ISBN 0-9674357-5-7.

Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy, Health Communications, Deerfield Beach Florida USA, 1985.

Note:
This article is a somewhat loose translation from the Dutch version that appeared earlier. Some of the English quotes have been back-translated from a Dutch translation (yes, I'll be happy to receive the proper English versions, if you might be able to provide those). The Dutch version provides additional references to relevant Dutch materials.

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© André H. Roosma , Accede!, Zoetermeer/Soest NL, 2005-07-27 (1st NL version)/ 2019-12-28; all rights reserved.